For a long time, I was stuck. I was too uncertain, too afraid, or just too something to take a step in any direction. And I think a lot of this behavior developed over years as a result of comparing myself to others, and assuming that they all got some sort of manual that I didn’t. That they we OK, and something was wrong with me.
Have you ever been there? Looking across the room and thinking that everyone is else is so much prettier, more confident, more together?
Of course you have. We all have. But for a long time, I assumed that it was just me. That I was the only one with insecurities and self doubt. And for someone like me, a chronic overachieving personality, who has a knack for problem solving and fixing, this is a dangerous mentality to have. I continually turned myself into the problem, and constantly felt like I needed to fix something. That I needed to fix me.
A few days ago, I started making a traditional list of resolutions. And I look at it now, and smile. Does anyone else’s look like this?
Looks like I’m trying to fill in all of the holes. The gaps. The failures.
But enough of that, right? It’s a New Year, and it’s time for a new attitude. There are so many things that I want. When I start to think about them all, I become overwhelmed by choices and start to feel like I’m never doing good enough. And there’s the pitfall.
What does it mean, and who gets to decide? If we continually compare ourselves to others, then yes, we will always come up short. We will always feel not good enough.
So I take a step back, and think about things that I want, big picture. Love, Happiness, Security, Health. And really, it’s that last one that is most important to me right now. Health encompasses everything, doesn’t it? Because if I have my health, I’ll be able to see the world through clearer eyes, and make room for the others to come my way.
And what is health? I think the answer will be different for everyone. For me, it used to be attaining a standard of beauty. To be thin and pretty. But a variety of health issues these past two years have taught me that health goes so far beyond weight. Now, health for me is learning to love the body I have, and using it to experience and enjoy this life.
So instead of setting a laundry list of resolutions on things that I have to do to lose weight, or find love, or insert your resolution here, I am going to try to work towards an intention instead. An intention for health. Every day, I want to think of something that will make me feel good, and help me to take a step towards health.
Until next time.