What a week it has been! Perhaps the most dramatic start to a new job I’ve ever had. And once again, I was just exhausted by the time the weekend hit. But my world is almost 100% different, in what feels like, overnight. I went from knowing everything, day in and day out about my job, my coworkers, my clients. And now, I know nothing. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did find the kitchen and the coffee pot. Two very important discoveries on day one. It’s just hard. I was the one who knew how to do things in my last job. And now, I’m the one who has to learn everything. And from the outside looking in, of course that’s the case! It’s a new job. But from the inside looking out? That’s a hard switch to just flip. I’ve been reminded by almost everyone in my life that I need to have patience. That it will take time.
But patience is a virtue…one that I was not blessed with.
In terms of healthy choices, starting a new job can be such a positive experience. And I know once I get more comfortable and acclimated, it will be. But I did have a bit of a set back in other areas of my life.
Well really…just one area. Weight.
I struggled with whether or not to write about this today, because I don’t want to have a health blog that focuses on weight. However, it is a key piece to staying healthy. I feel like the majority of women, and media, and society, focus on women and weight for the wrong reasons. Beauty, status, self worth…you get the idea. And as much as that drives me crazy, I can’t avoid the weight topic altogether. Because the truth is, maintaining a healthy weight is extremely important to our physical health. But the topic lies at a dangerous tipping point. At least for me. I’ve never really been able to find, or stay, at that healthy weight. And I think it’s an important conversation to start on this blog. I’ll have just have to keep an extra watchful eye to make sure the conversation stays on the side of healthy, and not unrealistic beauty beliefs or numbers on the scale.
The only way to describe the feelings this morning are dread, and maybe even shame. For the first time in months, I stepped on the scale and realized I had gained everything back. And then some. But truthfully, I knew it was coming. Spring has finally arrived, and with that, I pulled out last year’s clothes. A little too tight for my liking. And even with all of the successes I’ve had lately, I just felt like curling up for a good cry. I can’t believe I gained it all back…again.
I’ve been in this spot so many times in the past. Too many to count. I’ve had trouble with yo-yo dieting since high school. And the best thing I can say about where I’m at today, is this is the strongest I’ve felt in a long time. Perhaps ever. And I’ve let my weight define me for far too long in the past. And as strong as I feel now, I know don’t want weight to continue to dictate my self-worth going forward.
That said, I don’t feel good at this weight. I felt healthier 20 pounds lighter. Of course, I was training heavily for a triathlon. So that helps too. But that kind of physical activity is hard to maintain long-term. At least for me, and my work schedule. In fact, I’m sure I started gaining weight the minute the tri was over.
I think the only thing for me to do in this situation is take one step at a time. And really, that philosophy can be applied to all aspects in life. Particularly when we’re feeling stuck and depressed by the current landscape. My instinct is to become somewhat manic, and tackle the weight problem head on. Start working out, counting calories, restricting, looking into the newest fad diets, maybe I should go paleo…but that’s not going to help. What’s going to help is to think about what the choices I’ve made in the past that have made a difference. And how I can make those choices again.
If you’re thinking this is a little too new age-y and zen…you’re not alone. It’s taking a lot for me to stay calm and look at this rationally…rather than diving head first into a plan of attack. Giving in to the anger and shame over being back at this point once again. Getting mad at myself for letting it happen. Again. Believe me, I want to attack. But I know where that gets me. And as hard as it is, I know that staying calm, and taking one step at a time will be the best course of action.
On a separate note…no one shared a story with me last week! But that’s OK. It’s hard thing to put out there…but know that you can always drop me a note, when you’re ready, to share what makes you feel beautiful and strong. You can email me anytime at achoiceforhealth at gmail dot com.