I’m truly touched by the amount of love and support that I have received since my last post. It was a bit terrifying to publish something so painful and personal. And honestly, something that is still so real for me each and every day. For years I didn’t talk about it…mainly because I didn’t want to think about it. To think about it would mean that it was true. And I was lucky. Far luckier than most women and men this happens to. The justice system worked in my favor. It worked the way it’s supposed to. Right now, the topic of campus rape is all over the news. All we ever hear is how the system doesn’t work. And believe me, I’ve seen more cases that you can imagine that fall into that category. Where victims are blamed, and crimes are covered up.
But for me, that wasn’t the case. I went through the process, did what I was supposed to, and he went to jail. One for six years – which was the most he could get, and kind of insulting. But that’s a topic for another day – So after that, I figured I had done my part. I would be fine. I would be healed. So I buried it, and went on with my life. Continued with school, studied in London, graduated cum laude, and got a “real” job.
One of my friends commented on the previous post that I’m a good example of how we never really know what’s going on in other people’s lives. They can have a past and be fighting demons, even though they put on a brave face. And that’s me…that’s me to a “T.” The oldest, most driven, over achieving, type A child. Of course I put on a brave face. Of course I went on with my life. But in order to do so…I had to bury it pretty deep.
But you can only do that for so long. And then the depression starts. And fortunately I knew I needed help, and I sought it out. For years, like most victims, I was too ashamed to say anything. Too afraid of what people would say, and what people would think. Would they blame me? Think I deserved it? However, since posting my story last week, I’ve realized that I hit a major milestone in this journey. I’m not sure those voices and questions will ever truly go away, even though I wish that they would.
No…it’s not that the voices and worry are gone.
It’s that now I know that I am strong enough to handle whatever response and reaction I receive. And finally, I now feel strong enough to share my story, and I hope that it help others who finds themselves on a similar path.
But what’s next? Truthfully, I don’t know. When I set out to start writing this year, I really thought it was going to be about health and nutrition again. And perhaps it still is. A lot of my weight and food issues stem from depression…so perhaps I’m still on track. Taking care of the mind is essential in taking care of the body. I wish I could say I had a plan for the blog, and knew where it was headed. But I don’t. Maybe because I don’t really know where I am headed. That used to scare me. But today, all I feel is excited. Excited and at peace. Because the world is before me (and you) and I know that there are endless possibilities to choose.
A huge thank you to everyone for their love and support. You made taking this step and telling my story a positive experience. Which was a wonderful way to start my 33rd year.